Sources inside Her Majesty’s Prison Holloway today revealed that a prisoner had escaped.
Eric Joyce, 47, left the facility in the early hours of Monday morning disguised as a member of the cleaning staff. It is not known how Mr Joyce, of Burnt Oak, gained access to the garments needed to trick the prison staff. His cell doors showed no sign of forced entry, and Joyce left no belongings behind, save for a note. The note was addressed to The British Public and we have printed it verbatim below.
THE BRITISH PUBLIC,
This system is stupid. It’s morally corrupt and it’s a daily bitter stab in the neck. I could live with that until last week. Last week you took from me the one thing I had left in the world. You took my books.
Yes I may be a dithering, flat-footed oaf, who stole the purses of many a pensioner. I am not denying that. I am not denying also that I rewired people’s electricity units so they would no longer switch off. I did things that, in your eyes, are unlawful. I simply had a different view, but I respected yours and frankly, I needed some time off. But, sincerely, I ask, why must I live without my books?
You can imagine in here, nothing aids cognitive stimulation like books. Words dance across the page when you’re living on the inside of a concrete cube. They make it easier for me to understand the world outside, something I rarely took notice of before I came in. The Vonneguts, the Huxley’s, the Salingers…they are my teachers. When you take my books, you’re taking the food of my soul.
You will probably be wondering how I got out of here. I won’t be making that easy for you. Figure it out.
The basis of all this is that I must get my hands on a book. The content is irrelevant, any piece of literature will do. You must understand that I would have served my sentence in silence were it not for this farcical stab in the back. There are people here that need to be taught how to read and you’re more concerned with depriving them of the chance to. What a joke. Give me back my books and I’ll return, and serve the extra years you’ll stick on my flat head.
The time for me to sign off is almost here. Don’t expect to find me soon. I have friends everywhere, book lovers included.
So here’s to all the books, and those who see that the printed word is part of the very fabric of our society, and to sever it would be akin to slicing off a limb. I, for one, am not interested in self-mutilation, and in fact I’m rather smitten with my right arm. Like books, it’s served me dutifully through my time inside.
With one finger on the button,
Eric Joyce
Police have neither confirmed nor denied that the above is genuine. Police Constable Plough, an officer within the Metropolitan Police Service said: “The disappearance of Eric Joyce is being dealt with as a matter of great importance by experts within our organization. Prison escapes are rare, but they do happen. The public are advised to maintain awareness and calm as the situation develops over the coming days.”
There had been talk about the possibility of the situation ending in an armed stand-off, considering the severity of the crime. Constable Plough reinforced his strong message by saying: “A prisoner with a book is a prisoner with an idea. Ideas breed action, and that’s exactly what we’ve seen today. A dangerous man like Eric Joyce reading can do no good for society. In fact, it presents a serious risk to the safety and wellbeing of local communities around the country. We took books away from prisoners for a reason, and that was to stop them thinking. Joyce is one of the last of his kind, but he will be caught.”
The situation is still developing, but the public have been told stay indoors until Joyce is caught. Any sightings should be reported to the police immediately.
EDIT 12:01 – 01/04/2014
Did he get you?
Happy April Fools’!